Today was just one of those days. You know those days that feel like much more work than it’s worth? It felt like I needed much more oomph just to push through and not give up and walk away. And I felt like I needed to muster up every last bit of what I had left in me… and it was only 2 hours into my work day. I felt myself digging deep… real deep. It got me through… at least until lunchtime. Then my favorite Korean food got me through lunch and the next couple of hours… until I felt like giving up again. So I went to spend a few minutes with my Grandma. And you know what Grandma told me when I (half) jokingly told her that I wish I could retire already (I’m 20+ years away from retirements)… she said I need to be grateful because there are many people out there who want jobs but can’t find one. And just like that, I felt better, and like my feelings throughout the day were insignificant.
And as I lay here with my son as he madesettles in for the night, my original post got erased, random letters got inserted, my phone fell on my face, my phone fell on the floor (more than once), and at one point everything was highlighted blue. I might’ve nodded off more than a handful of timds. Because i had one of those days… and having one of those days like I had today is exhausting.
Right now, I have four other draft posts sitting unfinished on my other blog (mind you, I just started posting again on that blog only a week ago). And about 100 unfinished craft projects. Not to mention the thousands of dollars worth of crafting/artistic supplies I one day had big (huge) dreams for. I read this article that one of my friends posted on Facebook, and I felt like I totally could relate (minus the immigrant references, but I think I somewhat understand).
So my 11-year-old son started Ritalin yesterday… just one day after he officially received his diagnosis of ADD (without hyperactivity). We have three more weeks of school and I want to see if this makes a difference before summer comes and the expectations are less demanding. I’m still struggling with trying to figure out how I feel about this whole “meds” thing. A part of me is relieved that we finally maybe can “solve” the issues in school that have concerned me for the past five years. A part of me is still in denial that *my son* needs medication. Another part of me blames myself for not being able to “fix” him like I used to “fix” my patients (without medication). Overall, I think the strongest emotion I’m currently feeling is guilt. If it works, I’ll feel guilty for not agreeing to meds earlier. If it doesn’t work, I’ll feel guilty that we’re back to square one. If he feels any side effects, I’ll feel guilty that I couldn’t help him without meds. If it either works or doesn’t work, I’ll feel guilty that my job has always come first and that had I dedicated more time to him or had more patience with him, we wouldn’t be in the situation we’re in now. The rational side of my brain says that the worse thing we could do is to do nothing at all and that ADD is not the end of the world. I know these things, but the guilt’s got me in an irrational funk that’s hard to ignore. So here’s hoping for whatever Ritalin is meant to do for my son…
For me, the word, “panicked,” initially evokes a negative emotion or makes me think of something that results from a negative experience. Analyzing the word in my own over analytical INTJ way (short from Googling it), I interpret panic to be accompanied by an elevated level of fear, physiological responses to this fear, and loss of control over mind and body. However, different from fear which I believe to be an emotional response to a scary stimulus, I feel a state of panic remains in place until an end goal is achieved or the cause of the panic is terminated. I’ve never experienced panic to the degree I imagine the word to be worthy of. I don’t recall a time I’ve ever felt panicked other than an experience that, in retrospect, ended up being super funny.
One Halloween in the late 80’s, BFK, a mutual friend, and I went trick-or-treating in my neighborhood. We came across a house with what looked like a life-sized scarecrow dressed in denim overalls sitting on a patio chair holding a bucket of candy. Wanting our candy, we approached this scarecrow. As my hand entered his bucket, I noticed the “hair” on his head moving. In a split second, he grabbed my hand and we all went running up the hill screaming, laughing, and crying all at the same time. I recall that in that moment, I might have felt a sense of panic until we were far enough up the hill that we knew he wouldn’t get us. Now looking back on that moment, instead of recalling the panic as a negative response, I recall how much we laughed afterwards and how we told the story over and over to anyone who would listen. It really was one of the funniest moments of my life!
via Daily Prompt: Panicked
via Daily Prompt: None
I see “none” and I see dark and desolate emptiness. I think “none” and I think clear and uncluttered simplicity. I feel “none” and I feel cold and vast anonimity. I hear “none” and I hear nothing.
Since First Grade is a collaborative blog by two best friends currently living 2,733 miles apart. BFK and BFL have been best friends since first grade… and without giving our exact ages away, we’ve been best friends for over three decades! Sometimes life gets in the way, or words are difficult to say, or because of the time difference, the timing’s just not the best to have a deep conversation. Expressing those words in a blog may provide the emotional release we both need to declutter our minds and provide a way for us to support each other when time/energy permits. In a way, this blog can serve as an extension of our friendship and the hope is for it to be an outlet to share about and document our lives – the good, the creative, the funny, the sad, and the bad. Our acronym, BFFSFGSMFL, is what this blog is about… Best Friends Forever Since First Grade Soul Mates For Life.